Who would have thought that I’d end up here in Alaska? Sometimes during those days when I’d list down the places I want to visit, Alaska would come to my mind but I never really thought about it… and now, I wake up to a beautiful sight of mountains with snow on top; a sea of really green trees and go to sleep with the sunlight up and shining as if it’s 12 noon. Although I wish I’d ended up here for vacation; the reason is way way farther than that… farther farther farther… a reason I wish was just a bad dream I could wake up from… but nonetheless, there are many many things I am very thankful for… and yes, miracle happens… God has always been with us… everyday… every minute… every second…

Sigh… thank you Papa God…

I’m getting really homesick now though… and even though we passed a really huge between-life-and-death hurdle… there are still things that make me feel… auuuggghhh… things that make me feel confused… things that I don’t know how to handle anymore… issues of how, when, where, why… issues of letting go, holding on, giving up, turning around… issues of practicality, reality and ideals… dreams… future… what to do next… what to think of first…

It’s like my life suddenly blew up into many many little fragments— like a puzzle with gazillion of pieces scattered where I could not see them… I am so confused… I think I need a retreat or something…

I started packing my things today despite the absence of an actual permit to go and a saved seat on the plane.

So I folded the clothes away, wrapped each shoe with parchment paper, decided which tee would end up in the “to-be-shipped” box and which tee would journey with me through the sky.

In the midst of a mountain of whatnots, I catched a glimpse of things I have yet to face, touch and hold again. So I took a deep breath and gathered them with all of my courage not to inhale the memories in each item.

I carefully placed them in a small pink box, trying so hard to fit them all and to close the lid— so nothing could escape. Not a single note, not a single petal, not a glimpse of cloth, not a single memory.

Mariah Carey singing about Angels played at the background.

I pondered at the irony of the box. Do you keep all things inside because you treasure them (“them” being things that’s all gonna be, that’s all left of that part of you) so much that you don’t want a single thing escape? Or do you keep them sealed with a lid so you could hide them with the hopes of forgetting about them in the future?

So I pondered, and taped the lid to the sides… but no matter how much I try, everything won’t fit.

The last resort was to take them out of the box and place each on some corners in my luggage where you can see them in their most vulnerable state; still included with my clothes and shoes… as if to say that…

… I’m still living in that state, in that most memorable phase of me; only and even though that part of me ended long ago… these are all that were left of it and you can’t have more.

I want to write… but I don’t know what to write about… so here I am typing away without direction, without any plans of making sense. I’m home alone… listening to the whirling of the laundry machine… whenever it stops, god, the momentary silence is too loud for me… Lately… I’m in this mood for being alone… just me and my laptop and my thoughts… if I had the means I would have been in a cafe right now… I’m waiting for something… that takes so long to come… and I need it now… I can’t wait any longer… I feel paralyzed and that piece of paper is my only antidote… I finally have a list of what to do on my mind… plans that are still plans… I can’t wait to make them happen… yet again, I’m going back to waiting for that little piece… that piece that will finally end this phase of me… what else will I write?

I’m turning 21 soon… for everyone it must be a big celebration. Parang, 21 means freedom… freedom from what I ask at the top of my mind. It’s the first time I’m going to celebrate it away from home… then again… is this place my new home? should I be saying, “This will be my first birthday at our new home?”

What do I really want?

I want to go away… I want to go home… I want to rearrange my room, my thoughts, my life… I want to go out with my friends… have fun… dine out… talk.. talk incessantly… catch up… I want to start making things happen already… I want to clear my mind… I want answers… I want to start anew… I want to explore the part of myself that is unknown… I want to try out new things without hesitations… and I want to do all these back at home… right now… I just want to be alone. So I write… and write… and write…

I can’t wait to go home.

I can’t wait to redecorate my room. I can’t wait to dye my hair and go to gym and feel fabulous again. I can’t wait to see my girlfriends, dine out with them and take loads of pictures. I can’t wait to take a short course of something that interests me; or join a theater workshop. I can’t wait to go on my one-day-a-week-me-time-date.

There’s just so much that I am feeling right now. So much. Everyday I would still wake up in disbelief, it’s like I always always always experience the aftershock. And never recovers from it.

The emotions are always like a dormant volcano that would suddenly turn active any time it wants. Sometimes I would sit still, numb, steady. Then a few seconds after, I’d began feeling this… this… confusion.

I can’t wait for that day when this phase of me would end.

PS: OMG. I feel so FAT today. It’s like all the calories would go straight to my arms. Aaaaauuuuuuggggghhhh !!! My diet-momentum disappeared on thin air along with everything else; I can’t let this happen!!! Diet Diet Diet, Exercise Exercise Exercise! Augh!!!