I started packing my things today despite the absence of an actual permit to go and a saved seat on the plane.

So I folded the clothes away, wrapped each shoe with parchment paper, decided which tee would end up in the “to-be-shipped” box and which tee would journey with me through the sky.

In the midst of a mountain of whatnots, I catched a glimpse of things I have yet to face, touch and hold again. So I took a deep breath and gathered them with all of my courage not to inhale the memories in each item.

I carefully placed them in a small pink box, trying so hard to fit them all and to close the lid— so nothing could escape. Not a single note, not a single petal, not a glimpse of cloth, not a single memory.

Mariah Carey singing about Angels played at the background.

I pondered at the irony of the box. Do you keep all things inside because you treasure them (“them” being things that’s all gonna be, that’s all left of that part of you) so much that you don’t want a single thing escape? Or do you keep them sealed with a lid so you could hide them with the hopes of forgetting about them in the future?

So I pondered, and taped the lid to the sides… but no matter how much I try, everything won’t fit.

The last resort was to take them out of the box and place each on some corners in my luggage where you can see them in their most vulnerable state; still included with my clothes and shoes… as if to say that…

… I’m still living in that state, in that most memorable phase of me; only and even though that part of me ended long ago… these are all that were left of it and you can’t have more.

I can’t wait to go home.

I can’t wait to redecorate my room. I can’t wait to dye my hair and go to gym and feel fabulous again. I can’t wait to see my girlfriends, dine out with them and take loads of pictures. I can’t wait to take a short course of something that interests me; or join a theater workshop. I can’t wait to go on my one-day-a-week-me-time-date.

There’s just so much that I am feeling right now. So much. Everyday I would still wake up in disbelief, it’s like I always always always experience the aftershock. And never recovers from it.

The emotions are always like a dormant volcano that would suddenly turn active any time it wants. Sometimes I would sit still, numb, steady. Then a few seconds after, I’d began feeling this… this… confusion.

I can’t wait for that day when this phase of me would end.

PS: OMG. I feel so FAT today. It’s like all the calories would go straight to my arms. Aaaaauuuuuuggggghhhh !!! My diet-momentum disappeared on thin air along with everything else; I can’t let this happen!!! Diet Diet Diet, Exercise Exercise Exercise! Augh!!!