I feel horrible today! Really extremely horrible; I must have woken up at the wrongest side of the bed today. Backache, toothache, auuuggggh whatever! I’m also dying of boredom too. I feel like bursting. The girl who died from boredom. The girl who burst out in a hospital room out of boredom.

It’s an unexplainable horrible feeling; worse than my PMS days and I don’t have any idea how to make myself feel better. I did take Tylenol to soothe my toothache and backache and neck pains but augh I feel super bipolar; like I’m okay one minute and now I’m really feeling irritable and bored at everything! My hair; how I look fat in my computer screen… blah blah blah.

So I write and write and write with hopes of feeling better after venting out.

I am extremely bored already! It’s as if all the boredom droplets from day 1 finally filled my whole system and will explode today; right at this minute. I MISS HAVING SOMETHING TO DO. So yeah here I am complaining and some people might say; why don’t you do something then? Well if only I had a choice!!!! Auuuuuggggghhhhhhhhh.

And now, I have this super urge of putting my hair in a high bun; a top of my head so it won’t add to my frustrations right now. But in 3, 2, 1… augh, why do I always have a bad hair day lately?? WHY?

I want to go oooouuuuuutttt. But where? how? I feel like a bad person right now as I’m blabbing away but I just have to let it out, let it out, let it out of my system…

Why don’t they sell chick lit books in the gift shop here? That would have made me feel a teeny better. In a comfy recliner and a Starbucks on my other hand…

My mom’s asking me now if I want to eat. Since I’ve complained like crazy already; I’m going to say that I’m super bored with the caf food here. It’s like I can feel everything on my chest! I need to refresh. Have refreshing food. Refresh refresh refresh refresh refresh refresh.

Why can’t we have like computer functions in our brain? Like, for example I’m feeling really terrible right now so I’ll right click and refresh. Or like, whenever you want to delete information or memory on your brain you may click on delete and voila gone. Or when you want to re-do your self you just go on a restart. But no, you go on this phase for some indefinite time with an indefinite cure.

Maybe I just really need to go out and start doing my thing.

If only I could.

So I write… let it out, let it out, let it out…

Who would have thought that I’d end up here in Alaska? Sometimes during those days when I’d list down the places I want to visit, Alaska would come to my mind but I never really thought about it… and now, I wake up to a beautiful sight of mountains with snow on top; a sea of really green trees and go to sleep with the sunlight up and shining as if it’s 12 noon. Although I wish I’d ended up here for vacation; the reason is way way farther than that… farther farther farther… a reason I wish was just a bad dream I could wake up from… but nonetheless, there are many many things I am very thankful for… and yes, miracle happens… God has always been with us… everyday… every minute… every second…

Sigh… thank you Papa God…

I’m getting really homesick now though… and even though we passed a really huge between-life-and-death hurdle… there are still things that make me feel… auuuggghhh… things that make me feel confused… things that I don’t know how to handle anymore… issues of how, when, where, why… issues of letting go, holding on, giving up, turning around… issues of practicality, reality and ideals… dreams… future… what to do next… what to think of first…

It’s like my life suddenly blew up into many many little fragments— like a puzzle with gazillion of pieces scattered where I could not see them… I am so confused… I think I need a retreat or something…

I started packing my things today despite the absence of an actual permit to go and a saved seat on the plane.

So I folded the clothes away, wrapped each shoe with parchment paper, decided which tee would end up in the “to-be-shipped” box and which tee would journey with me through the sky.

In the midst of a mountain of whatnots, I catched a glimpse of things I have yet to face, touch and hold again. So I took a deep breath and gathered them with all of my courage not to inhale the memories in each item.

I carefully placed them in a small pink box, trying so hard to fit them all and to close the lid— so nothing could escape. Not a single note, not a single petal, not a glimpse of cloth, not a single memory.

Mariah Carey singing about Angels played at the background.

I pondered at the irony of the box. Do you keep all things inside because you treasure them (“them” being things that’s all gonna be, that’s all left of that part of you) so much that you don’t want a single thing escape? Or do you keep them sealed with a lid so you could hide them with the hopes of forgetting about them in the future?

So I pondered, and taped the lid to the sides… but no matter how much I try, everything won’t fit.

The last resort was to take them out of the box and place each on some corners in my luggage where you can see them in their most vulnerable state; still included with my clothes and shoes… as if to say that…

… I’m still living in that state, in that most memorable phase of me; only and even though that part of me ended long ago… these are all that were left of it and you can’t have more.

I feel awfully fat. *sigh* How many times have I blogged that I’m going to go on a diet and exercise every day? Well, I did for two weeks… then… some things happened and it stopped.

Augh! I don’t really feel good about myself tuloy… pero…

I’m not gonna let myself blow up! I’m going to do my best again! Fighting!

I’m going to explore the world.

I really want to work in a travel/lifestyle/fashion magazine and also, for a magazine show someday.

Tokyo. Asia. Paris. Europe… And taste different cuisines too!

Japanese. Korean. Vietnamese. Italian. French… ♥

I’m going to own a Chanel No. 5 perfume, Chanel purse, a sexy pair of Christian Louboutin’s, Louis Vuitton Speedy and a metallic Burberry purse.

I also want to be a part of an organization with a cause; produce PSA’s similar to those made by The Foundation for a Better Life…

Also, I’m going to have my own pink car and a lovely home.

*sigh.sigh.sigh* While I still don’t have my cork board, I’m just going to post these [some of my] dreams and plans here… it makes you feel happy whenever you see them, doesn’t it? :]

I think I’m going to make more of these kind of entries! ♥

[PS: Click the images for their sources]

I want to write… but I don’t know what to write about… so here I am typing away without direction, without any plans of making sense. I’m home alone… listening to the whirling of the laundry machine… whenever it stops, god, the momentary silence is too loud for me… Lately… I’m in this mood for being alone… just me and my laptop and my thoughts… if I had the means I would have been in a cafe right now… I’m waiting for something… that takes so long to come… and I need it now… I can’t wait any longer… I feel paralyzed and that piece of paper is my only antidote… I finally have a list of what to do on my mind… plans that are still plans… I can’t wait to make them happen… yet again, I’m going back to waiting for that little piece… that piece that will finally end this phase of me… what else will I write?

I’m turning 21 soon… for everyone it must be a big celebration. Parang, 21 means freedom… freedom from what I ask at the top of my mind. It’s the first time I’m going to celebrate it away from home… then again… is this place my new home? should I be saying, “This will be my first birthday at our new home?”

What do I really want?

I want to go away… I want to go home… I want to rearrange my room, my thoughts, my life… I want to go out with my friends… have fun… dine out… talk.. talk incessantly… catch up… I want to start making things happen already… I want to clear my mind… I want answers… I want to start anew… I want to explore the part of myself that is unknown… I want to try out new things without hesitations… and I want to do all these back at home… right now… I just want to be alone. So I write… and write… and write…

The beautiful colors of the flower decorations at the ceiling of Bellagio’s lobby. Oh-so-grand!

The Bellagio would be my most favorite hotel! They have this indoor garden-like exhibit with beds and beds of real and beautiful flowers & gigantic animated garden creatures. It was said that this part of Bellagio changes every season… Christmas would definitely be beautiful!

We also went to Wynn hotel. Really high-end, really classy. The shops are to die for!

Ferrari and Manolo Blahnik. The gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous Manolo Blahnik shoes.

Chanel. Dior. Louis Vuitton. Alexander McQueen. I even spotted beautiful pairs of Christian Louboutin’s. I felt like I was Becky Bloomwood in Milan minus the credit card and cash.

Even the Pizza Place we went to was gorgeous! :] There are still so much photos to share but I think I’ll stop with this today. :D

The Venetian hotel. Venice at Vegas. :] The ceiling’s the sky! We had the chance to ride the gondola too, just like in Venice.

and them some more random photos from Caesar’s Palace this time.

Mango ice cream in chocolate covered cone. Mmmmmm… even the ice cream’s posh.

I can’t explain how much I love Las Vegas so I’ll just do a photo-spam of each day.

We stayed at the Palazzo. The room is breathtaking! And the view from the 21st floor is just amazing, especially at night. [We’re even situated right in front of Treasure Island where we had the chance to watch the Pirates show every night].

I could probably live in the bathroom… huge shower. vanity mirror. posh bathroom phone. huge tub. granite sink. oh-so-flattering bathroom lights. flat screen tv.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen… I spent good 40 minutes inside the bathroom taking pictures.

Umbrella thingies at the lobby of the Palazzo.

It’s all about the casino! Too bad I ain’t 21 yet.

Dinner at M buffet, another really nice hotel that’s pretty far from the strip. They even have fortune cookies!

More pictures on the next entries!